Perfection Comes In A Baggy Size Zero

I had been doing so well and now things have just gone to the shitter.
I've gained so much, it's revolting.
I'm starting 2468 tomorrow. And just fruits and veggies for the rest of my life.
I'm so unhappy. Can't even get myself to leave my house. Missed school 5 days in a row not because I was sick, but because I felt too disgusting to go.
Want to lock myself in my room for a month and emerge looking skinny and beautiful.

Agh, so much stress.
Ex-boyfriend calls last night and asks me to hang out on Thursday after not seeing him or hearing from him for about 6 months. And me, being the absolute tool that I am, says yes.
It's weird...we've probably been broken up for about a year and a half, and a couple days ago, I tell my friend that I feel like I'm ready to date and then I get the call. I'm scared. Honestly, he's such an awesome guy and even now when I picture myself getting married, it's to him. But I don't know what he wants. I'm not sure if he just wants us to be friends, or for us to get back together, or if he just wants someone to make out with (but I am definitely not that girl...never kissed someone who I haven't been dating and I don't plan on it...honestly, I'm kind of a prude). I just don't know and I'm so confused.

To make it worse, my mom thinks she's the expert on relationships, even though the only person she's ever dated is my dad and they're obviously married, so she's never experienced a break-up or any confusion. And she's telling me that when I was dating my ex, I was so unhappy and he repressed everything about me. Which is not at all true. I'm trying to see her side of the story and if things were actualy like that, but they just weren't. The reason that I never went out with my friends and stopped doing everything I had done before wasn't because he asked me to; it was because I was so head-over-heels and I really thought things with me and him were meant to be, as corny as that is. And I wasn't unhappy...being with him was fantastic...it was soon as I got home and had to see my nosy mom that I became a cow.

I'm scared. I'm trying to trust God and that this is what is right for me. I figure that if things go good on Thursday, my ex and I can be friends again and see what happens from there. And if things so bad, well then I will hopefully realize that I don't really like who he has become and it will just help me to get over him.

I've decided to limit to 500cal a day. I know that I can do it. It's strange...I'm in such a weird state right now. Part of me wants to recover so badly. But the other part of me isn't satisfied yet. Since I've been struggling with EDNOS, my marks have gone down SOOOO much in school. And that's just not me. So I'm going to get a better hold on my life. Less food, more study = Better Life.

It's so weird to have this secret life that no one knows about. For awhile there I thought I was getting better. But I don't think I am.
Everyone think's I'm this fun-loving person who's always so happy. The truth is that it takes everything in me to drag myself out of bed every morning and face the day. Just 20lbs and it would all be better.

For all the people out there that suspected there was something wrong with me and did nothing about it.

Fuck you. I wish you had spoken up when I could have done something about it, before I was so deep in this ED. Why did you let me get ths way? Why did I let me get this way, for that matter? Why didn't I stop or seek help before? I don't have the strength for that anymore. I don't have the strength for anything. I don't have the strength to develop relationships, to care about anyone, to continue the things that once really mattered to me. It seems like I only have the strength to avoid food and continue driving myself deeper and deeper into an illness that could kill me.

Fuck me. This is all my fault.

I'm going to start posting more. If I spend a lot of time on here, I don't eat nearly as much and I do so much better. And it just helps so much to get everything out. Anyway, this is disgusting but today I'm at 139lbs. And by the beginning of March for my birthday, I will weigh 125lbs, at the most. I want to look frail so badly. And be tiny. And happy.

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy
Oh

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

I miss who I was before I met you. I didn't think you'd be able to take so much from me. It's strange; I don't feel heartbroken. You didn't take my heart at all. You took me. You changed me for the worse. From a fun-loving girl to an insecure shell. I hate who I've become, and I hate that you were part of this transformation. I hate you for the effect you had on me. I hate that you think that I can't live without you. Did you ever think that I was living just fine without you and that you changed everything and made it so much worse? I can live without you just fine; it's me that I can't do without.

Alright, so I sucked today.
Last week I limited to under 500 cal and I lost 6lbs. And then since Friday, I've been binging like crazy. Tomorrow I honestly have to do better. I feel so gross about myself. I can't even concentrate on anything because all I can think about it how disgusting I must look and how everyone must be judging me for looking this way.
I will lose 5lbs by Friday. And I will keep it off and reach my goal weight, and I WILL FIT INTO MY LITTLE SISTERS PANTS!

Instead of counting my situps, I say "fat" for each one. And that motivates me to keep on going and going and going. I would rather be anything than fat.

I am so happy right now.
B: coffee (4cal)
skim milk (2cal)
L: yogurt (50cal for 1/2cup)
8 grapes (13cal)
D: yogurt (50cal)
All Bran (81cal)
TOTAL: 199cal
Yay, one under 200 and I wasn't even aiming for 200 today! I was hoping to keep it at about 500. That means that tomorrow's 400 is going to be awesome and so unbelievabley easy, hopefully. Except tomorrow I get home at 3, rather than 5 like today. I'm planning on bringing some All Bran to snack on at school, and then trying to keep as busy as possible after school.
I'm so proud of myself right now...I passed up a Chai Latte today, and that's pretty much unheard of in my life. And my mom is making my favorite soup ever but I don't really want any.
I'm gonna clean my room really well, maybe do some homework, watch some TV, and then work out for about an hour (although my abs are killing me from yesterday's workout so they might not last that long). If I really need something, I'll have some green tea. ANYTHING but food.
Days like these totally keep me motivated and I feel so much better about myself.

I think I need to see a therapist. I've had all these irrational thoughts lately and I honestly don't care about anything right now except getting skinny. But I don't know how to tell my parents. Plus, if I go see someone, they'll try to convince me to be happy with myself but I won't be.
I'm just so confused. I hate being confused. I hate everything. Nothing makes me happy anymore, except shopping and losing weight, and now I have no money left and I'm still as fat as ever.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.

Today's been pretty good. I woke up this morning and weighed a pound less than yesterday. I'm at 130 right now, which is alright for my height (5'9) but I still really want to get down to 120, and then 110 or so. It's weird, because yesterday I ate over 1000cal but I did so much exercise and stuff that I feel really tight this morning. So far today I've had about 300something cals.
B: Special K Vanilla Almond (110) and Yogurt (60cal)
L: Oatmeal with Brown Sugar (150)
T: 320cal
Hopefully I can hold off and eat only celery and a little bit of soup or something that's under 180cal so I can keep it under 500cal. Then I'll do some Pilates and an aerobic workout to burn most of it off. Hopefully I can keep this going and not binge for awhile. I find that if I eat three decent meals throughout the day (but still keeping at 500cal) then I don't get too hungry. And as soon as I start craving food, I'll either workout some more or just go to sleep. I'm hoping the weight melts off. I want my friends to tell me that I'm too skinny.
At my grad, my best friend asked my sister if I was ana. When my sister told me that, it made me so unbelievabley happy. I just want people to notice me. Ana is such a control issue; I want to control how I look, what I eat, and how much attention I get from people. No one is going to take a second look at the girl who weighs 130 pounds. But I would have so many girls looking at me, wishing they could be me, if I weighed 110 pounds.

I feel pretty good about today.
I ate a lot but it was all pretty healthy stuff.
B: Little bit of Special K (100cal)
Muffin (300cal)...maybe not so healthy
L: Oatmeal with banana (200cal)
D: Toast with an egg (300)
S: Yogurt (50cal)
Alright, so maybe I thought I did better than I actually did. But I've been running around all day and I already did Pilates. I'll probably dance my ass off for about an hour too, so that will burn a lot of calories. And tomorrow I'm going out to the bar, and I never eat much on those days to ensure that I'm not bloated and all that. I'll probably wake up late and hopefully just have a bowl of yogurt and some celery or something.
Hope you are all doing better than me!

I'm so depressed right now. I've got two mid-terms tomorrow and I haven't cracked a book for either of them. And honestly, I don't care.
I just want tomorrow to come and be over with. And then I can start fresh.
Hopefully I weigh less tomorrow. I look so gross right now.
I hate my life. I hate the amount of school that I have, I hate that my sisters don't want anything to do with me, I hate that my friends are either too judgemental or absolute whores, I hate that I'm not over my ex-boyfriend even though it's been almost a year, I hate that I don't care about school, I hate that I hate everything so much.

I'm going to marry www.calorie-count.com. Keeps track of my calories burned, what I've ate, and what I weigh. I love it. Although it wouldn't let me put my goal weight for the end of the month. It said it would be "unhealthy" to achieve that weight by October 31. Yes, that is the point.

Woohoo, two points for me.
I went most of the day without eating. That's pretty good, seeing as how I've been awake for almost 9 hours and I've got about another 14 hours before I go to sleep. I've got a couple midterms tomorrow, and I find that whenever I study, it's super easy for me to binge. I just snack away as I do my homework. But I'm feeling pretty good today. I bet I'm still full from last nights binge...ugh, it was disgusting. And I don't want to fast and screw over my metabolism.
So, as of today:
B: Nothing
L: Water
D: Half of a serving of Teriyaki Chicken from Edo (250cal)
S: Nothing so far...maybe a couple carrots of something tonight...I don't want to go over 400 cal.
I'll probably have a couple cups of tea and some Coke Zero tonight, but that's zero cals. And I walked my ass off today, burned about 130 cal. And I'll probably do some Pilates tonight and burn off some more calories.
I'm always so proud of myself on days like today, except I'm still all gross and bloated. I'm definitely gonna have to cut down for the next week to get rid of all the nasty food I ate last night!

It's sad that the biggest mistakes of my life are bingeing. After a binge, I feel so much panic. And stress. And self-hatred. I wish I was less obsessed with eating so that I could care about other things that are actually important.

I just did Pilates. I think I feel worse. I got to stare at my disgusting stomach attempting to do as many situps as possible.
It's actually quite amazing that I'm unable to purge. I would think that just looking in the mirror would do the job quite effectively. Hence, the following self-motivation.

I am a fat ass piece of lard. I don't deserve to live. I look like shit and no one will ever want me if I always look this way. Think about how much better I would look if I lost 20 pounds.

The Important Stuff
Age:	19
Weight:	132lbs
Heighest Weight:	135lbs
Lowest Weight:	115lbs
Current Weight:	132lbs
Goal Weight :	110lbs for now
Fave food :	Bread
Fave Drink :	Tea
Fave Exercise :	Pilates
Thinspo :	Rachel Bilson, Hilary Duff, anyone who looks like they're about to break in half
Where do you slip up?	I eat way too much
When did it start?	About 4 years ago
Why did it start?	I used to be one of those girls that could eat anything they wanted and not gain a pound
Does Anyone know?	Nope
Do you want help?	Nope
Diet pills?	I wish I had them
fave binge food:	ANYTHING. When I'm going to binge, I'll eat whatever's in site.
Fave dieting food:	Coke Zero
How many cals do you consume a day?	Roughly 500
What tips do you use to lose weight?	I drink a lot of Coke Zero, water, and tea to prevent me from getting too hungy
What do you see when you look in the mirror?	A disgusting fat girl that no one will ever want
Are you in a relationship?	No
If so, Do they pressure you to be thin?
Are you the fat or thin one out of your friends?	Fat
Are you depressed?	Sometimes
Do you self harm?	No
Ever tried to commit suicide?	No
Ever been to a psychologist??	No
Fave song?	The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
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Working on taking my first laxative. It's old liquid stuff...it's disgusting and so hard to get down, but this really needs to be done. I think I'll probably end up throwing it all up before I can actually stomach it. But oh well, that's kind of the point, isn't it?